Allen sat comfortably on the far-right side of his dark green three-seater couch reading that day’s edition of the Reno Gazette Journal. He couldn’t have looked more disinterested as his eyes followed the prescribed path of “left-to-right, up and down and back up again”. In that moment, his front door broke open with ferocious force as his friend, Jay, barged in looking rather depleted with an ingrained look as if he was trying to make sense of something.
“Well, hello to you too,” Allen said as he barely looked up and back down at the newspaper.
“I need a drink!” Jay shouted as he made way to the kitchen. He swung open the door on the retro red refrigerator, not catching it in time as the door banged into the back wall. Allen gave a disapproving look but said nothing. Jay grabbed the first beer he saw and slammed the fridge door shut and made his way back into the living room.
“How was your day?” Allen asked, with a tone that obviously declared he really had no interest in actually finding out. He tossed the paper to the side, as it broke open and pages laid all about the floor. Jay became wide-eyed and took a large swig of the beer.
“How was my day?!” Jay asked in a rhetorical tone as he, again, shouted.
“That’s what I said. For example, my day was good. You know that airline stewardess I told you about?” Allen asked. Jay immediately broke into a smile, putting his foot on Allen’s coffee table and setting his beer down.
“The one with the hooters?” Jay asked excitedly, as he mimed the stewardess’s chest. Allen rolled his eyes and shook his head, no.
“I told you bosoms. She has nice bosoms. Hooters is such a derogatory word. Sounds like cheap beer, wings and a pill in the morning,” Allen said as the disgust rolled off of him and made his body shutter. Jay nodded in agreement but gave himself a smirk that indicated he might disagree on that one. “We might hangout tonight. I don’t know yet,” Allen continued, as he wiped his jeans.
“You should do the three DVD rule,” Jay said, as if he discovered the secret ingredient to ramping up Allen’s night.
“Huh?” Allen spouted out, already determining his friend was two-for-two in saying idiotic things for the day. Jay backed up in excitement ready to lay out the details
“You should present her the three DVDs. A comedy says your friend zoned pal, no other way around it. A drama says she wants to cry and be comfortable like a boyfriend and girlfriend thing,” Jay said excitedly, as Allen grimaced at the mention of boyfriend. “Oh yeah, pal. But a horror…” Jay trailed off, his smile widened, and head lowered, “a horror says you’re getting lucky tonight. Mark my words. It used to work for my pal Sander, before he went off and got himself arrested with a family. Cute kid though,” Jay said, as he finished his beer. Allen waved his hands at Jay to knock it off.
“Alright, alright already. What’s going on with you?” Allen asked. Jay gave his signature “head roll to the side and quick eyebrow raise,” to indicate Allen was in for a good one.
“My day was awful. My boss broke guy code. He broke the social norm of how, us men, conduct ourselves in the men’s restroom. Here’s what happened- “Jay spout out, before being interrupted.
“Hold that thought. I’m going to need a beer,” Allen jumped out of his seat and sprinted past Jay to grab a beer for himself and another for Jay, who wasn’t quite done with his first one, but Allen could sense he was going to need a second soon. He returned quickly, tossing a beer to Jay, getting back into seat and Jay positioning himself right into of Allen.
“Continue,” Allen said, as he started to drink not breaking eye contact with Jay.
—————————————–
Jay was back in the men’s restroom. He stood in front of a urinal, with his pants unzipped and a clear concentrated look on his face. Allen was leaning against the wall right behind him, sipping his beer and looking about.
“This morning I’m in the restroom peeing in the urinal. My boss walked in and said- “Jay said to Allen, as he had clearly laid out the scene as if Allen was there. Jay’s boss walks into the restroom and gives a long look at Jay as he is peeing.
“Good morning, Jay,” Jay’s boss said.
“Hey, how you doing?” Jay said right back, as he silently mouthed WHY to Allen, who also didn’t know what to say or do. “I was freaking out,” Jay said to Allen, who was giving him an unsure look.
—————————————–
“So, what’s the problem?” Allen asked as he leaned back into his couch, looking disappointed in the hype of the story.
“The problem is you don’t talk to ANOTHER MAN when he’s using the restroom. Especially not in close quarters. I wasn’t in the beginning stages of using the urinal. I was midstream, about to hit my climax and the guy talks to me? That’s a no-no. I was exposed. It shook me all morning. That broke the code,” Jay said, as he shuffled about in angst.
“Ok, I see what you are saying. He’s an old guy, yea? Probably didn’t think anything of it,” Allen said, as he was attempting to calm his clearly peeved friend.
“That’s what I thought. Right before lunch, I felt the river needing to be released into the ocean again- “
“Could you not compare your urine to the river and ocean?” Allen asked, as he also pointed at the color of the beer he was drinking.
—————————————–
Jay, back in the restroom, and standing right in front of the urinal again. Allen was in the urinal next to him, still holding his beer.
“Anyway, I had to go again. I thought ‘hey maybe it’s an isolated incident, what the hell?’ I’m using the restroom and in ‘mid-stream-again’, he walks back in like he’s on cue,” Jay said, as both, he and Allen’s heads turned to the left and Jay’s boss walked into the restroom.
“Hey Jay, same place where I left ya,” Jay’s boss said, as he smiled and pointed at him.
—————————————–
“He said that?!” Allen shouted, as he jumped out of his seat and stood right next to Jay at the head of the coffee table.
“Yes!” Jay said, as he clapped.
“This guy is a maniac,” Allen spoke as he started to pace.
“Now you’re seeing it,” Jay said, sounding very vindicated.
—————————————–
Jay shifted from leg-to-leg, as he was trying to hurry up and get out of the bathroom. Allen was hopping from leg-to-leg also, finding it amusing.
“I was trying to finish; I was so uncomfortable. Dammit, why do I drink so much water?” Jay said, looking disappointed in himself.
“You’re a somewhat healthy guy, I get it. What happened next?” Allen asked, as he pushed Jay along.
“I’ll tell you what happened next: he finishes his business in the stall, comes out to wash his hands and then turns and walks to me, putting his hands on my shoulders and says- “
“You look like you’re trying too hard. Relax and don’t push too much,” Jay’s boss said, as he massaged Jay’s shoulders. Jay’s jaw had dropped all the way to the floor and all he could do was stare straight ahead.
“WHAT?!” Allen yelled. Allen clapped his face, and his mouth was wide open as he looked from the boss to Jay. Jay’s boss eventually left the bathroom and Jay, comfortable again, resumes using the urinal.
“That’s not the worst part, Allen,” Jay softly spoke, as his boss rushed back into the restroom with his phone in his hands to show Jay something.
“Look here. I just want to show you that doctors recommend not to push ‘it’ out,” Jay’s boss spoke in a self-righteous tone. Jay unconsciously swung to the left spraying the wall and wall divider to read the phone.
—————————————–
Allen embraced Jay for a brief, but firm hug and let go of him.
“I’m sorry buddy. This is breaking every norm and code that is out there for us guys. Us guys are having everything that makes us, US– ripped away by society. You work in Human Resources. I’m sure this breaks some affirmative action law,” Allen exclaimed, as he placed his hands on his hips trying to make sense of this heinous issue. Jay walked backward, slowly.
“I’d have to report the man, to the man,” Jay said, as if it was an impossible decision.
“Your boss, boss. Dammit!” Allen said, as he went to sit back down in his seat. Jay sat on the couch next to Allen. They both drank from their beers and shook their heads. “Well, it’s over buddy,” Allen spoke, not knowing what was to come.
“Not quite. There’s a part three,” Jay pushed out, with Allen coming to understand this could only get worse.
—————————————–
This time around Jay sat on the toilet, with Allen close by leaning back in a chair and clutching his beer.
“Later that afternoon I had to go to back to the bathroom and, of course, I took the disability stall,” Jay said.
“Naturally. More room,” Allen said, as he reasoned with him.
“I had to go to the bathroom forreal forreal this time,” Jay said, as he pointed downward at the toilet. Allen crunched his face in embarrassment.
“Forreal forreal?” Allen asked, not understanding this new lingo he was sure Jay made up on the spot.
“The toilet,” Jay spat back, in a why don’t you know this sort of tone.
“Then just say that. We’re grown men,” Allen said, as he threw his hands up to state the obvious.
“Anyway, I was on my phone scrolling through Instagram, you know staying current with the news, when someone walks in and squats in the neighboring toilet,” Jay said, as he scrolled through his phone and was pointing daggers at the stall on his left. Someone rushed into the stall and slammed the seat down, before sitting and giving a long-winded sigh. “You won’t believe who it was,” Jay said, with his head in his right hand.
“No,” Allen softly spoke, as he again dropped his jaw and also starred at the neighboring stall.
“Yup,” Jay said right back.
“Jay, that you?” Jay’s boss asked.
“Nope,” Jay said, not missing a beat.
“I can tell by your shoes, it’s you,” Jay’s boss said. Jay bounced around on the toilet and Allen covered his eyes. “You ever clean that wall up? I heard you make a splash that didn’t go in the urinal earlier. I used to be careless when I was your age too,” Jay’s boss shot over. Jay silently cursed at his boss, flipping him the bird.
“I, uh… I don’t know what to say here,” Jay said, as he started to fumble with the toilet paper roll to find it’s start point.
“You almost finished? We should see who can make the loudest drops in the toilet. My brother and I used to do that,” Jay’s boss said. Jay and Allen exchanged horrified looks.
—————————————–
“I don’t know if I should laugh or go kick his ass for you,” Allen said, out of his seat, pacing behind the couch and couldn’t contain his laughter.
“Laugh? Is this funny?” Jay said, almost offended his friend could even find humor in this situation.
“Kind of. He’s an old man wanting to play toilet war with you. That’s what my sister and I called it. She always won,” said Allen, as he stopped pacing and started to reflect on those toilet wars with his sister. Jay could only watch Allen and shake him off.
“I got to get running,” Jay said, as he stood up.
“Where you going? We had that thing tonight I thought?” Allen said, trying to search for whatever that thing might have been.
“What thing?” said Jay, watching Allen find whatever thing that might be.
“That thing? Come on,” Allen said, coming from around the couch.
“Yea… no. You’re hanging out with the hooters,” Jay reminded Allen as he started for the front door.
“Bosoms. What are you doing?” Allen said, as he watched Jay swivel around just as he clutched the doorknob.
“I’m grabbing a drink with my boss. He wanted to get drinks at Craft on Martin St.,” Jay said, feeling the awkwardness kick in.
“What?” Allen said out of breath.
“Yea I know… I need a promotion and he’s my boss so…,” Jay said, as he could only muster a half-assed smile. Jay bid adieu and walked out. Allen stood over his couch, did a “mind blown” reaction and fell backwards onto it.
LATER THAT NIGHT
Allen was sitting on his couch with the stewardess, Kim. They both exchanged looks and giggled together. Allen scooted closer to Kim, and they bumped beers. Allen gave a playful oops.
“This movie is really intense. Maybe I should’ve chosen the funny one. I don’t know if I can finish it,” Kim said, as she began to lean even closer to Allen.
“Yea… It’s a scary one. What time did you say your flight was in the morning?” asked Allen, ready to get to the point of the night.
“Ten,” Kim said.
“Perfect. Let’s finish what we can, no pressure. These types of movies, I’d hate for you to be alone,” said Allen, almost believing the bullshit he was saying himself.
“I’d hate that too,” Kim said, offering up a look that only meant one thing. Allen leaned in to meet Kim’s lips, but before that could happen, they both heard a loud BOOM come from the front door.
“Let’s ignore it. Maybe they’ll go away,” Allen said, as they both attempted that kiss again. BOOM. “I’ll get that,” Allen said. He slid out of his seat and walked over to the front door to open and found none other than Jay. “Gee, I wonder who it could be. What the hell you doing?” Allen asked, looking back at Kim with a forced smile.
“It happened again! I go to the bathroom at Craft and guess who comes waddling in behind me? My boss. He puts his hand on my shoulder and leans over and says, ‘Let’s see what you’re working with?’” Jay yelled. Allen leaned over clutching his face. Unbelievable. “ME TOO!” Jay yelled again. He pushed past Allen to get inside, leaving Allen stunned by this revelation.
“You did the three DVD trick? She picked a horror movie?! You’re getting lucky tonight my friend!” Jay excitedly said, as Allen turned thirty-five shades of red and twisted around to rush back inside, slamming the door in the process.
THE END
*Thank you for reading. I wrote this several years ago as a short film and thought it would be fun to adapt into a short story.
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